A hundred years ago, a Jew comes to America and works as a traveling peddler. One day in July he’s walking down a New England road when he finds a cool country lake. He takes off his clothes and takes a dip when the country sheriff arrests him and throws him in jail.
The next morning he appears before the local magistrate.
“Sir, you have been arrested for trespassing. Didn’t you read the sign? It says, ‘Private Lake. No swimming allowed.’”
The Jew wouldn’t hear of it. “Meester, you read de sign your vay and I read it my vay.”
The sheriff was surprised. “Your way? How do you read the sign?”
The Jew answered. “It says: Private lake? Nooooo! Svimming allowed!”
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Moishe goes up to a beautiful woman he sees in Waitrose and says to her, “I’ve lost my wife in here and I would be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes.”
She asks, “Why on earth do you want me to do that?”
Moishe replies, “Because every time I talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere.”
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Maria from Spain has studied English for a year. She stayed with a Jewish family as an au pair. The family lived in Egware but originally came from the East End. Maria loved every minute of it, and was treated like part of the family.
Her year is up, so she gets on a plane back to Barcelona. Her father is there to meet her at the airport. He greets her enthusiastically and is delighted she is now fluent in English. “Maria, let me hear you talk some English. How was your time in the UK, how was your plane trip?”
Maria opens her mouth and starts to speak English for the first time “Oy, on my life and yours, if I was to tell you, what a schlep , and there were some meshugganas on the plane.”
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A young Jewish soldier, not renowned for great intellect, deveoped a strange habit. He was observed picking up any pieces of paper lying around, examining both sides, then throwing them away in disgust, saying: “That’s not it.”
Eventually, he was considered mentally unsuitable for military service. He was asked to report to his superior officer who handed him his discharge document. After glancing at it briefly, he announced triumphantly: “This is it!”
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Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris’s sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, “After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?”
Morris replied, “A circumcision is never intended to kill.”
